


I'm Drowning (In My Mind)

by hermess



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death, Hurt/Comfort, Loss of Control, M/M, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-01
Updated: 2018-01-01
Packaged: 2019-02-26 11:27:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13234722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hermess/pseuds/hermess
Summary: Magnus has a nightmare and loses control of his magic as a result.





	I'm Drowning (In My Mind)

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from the song Drivers by Nick Leng

Magnus knows it's a dream before anything else. The altered reality is all too familiar, but he can't help but think _what if?_ What if this was real? What if this isn't actually a dream? He knows it is, he's had too many dreams to not be able to tell, but it doesn't make it feel any less real.

 

The scene itself is one he's been in before. A dark alley that seems to stretch on forever. Magnus thinks his mind must be running out of ideas. How many times will he fall asleep just to end up in another dark alley? Too many.

 

The scream that pierces the air is familiar as well. He knows who it belongs to. He's heard that scream before, but it's not the same. This time it's full of raw agony and pain. Before, the scream was usually out of fear. It's never been like this.

 

Magnus takes off running down the alley towards the scream just as another one is heard. He begins to think again about the _what if?_ The dream is different so what if it's not a dream? What if this time it's different because it's real? He doesn't want to think about that but once he turns a corner and sees the source of the screams it's all he can think about.

 

It's Alec, barely standing against the alley wall as that damned Sebastian twists a seraph blade in his chest. Magnus stops breathing, he thinks he forgets how to for a few seconds. Then Alec looks at him, his eyes filled with so much pain, and his breath comes back, slamming into him with such force it almost knocks him over.

 

When Alec had turned his head Sebastian had too, and he sees Magnus. He sees him and laughs, laughs at his pain, laughs because the High Warlock of Brooklyn looks on the verge of tears. He pulls the blade out of Alec’s chest, eliciting another scream from him, and turns away. He doesn't run, he just walks away. He knows that Magnus won't risk Alec to stop him. He's right, but Magnus pauses. He's still torn between the instinct to inflict pain of the person who hurt his Alexander and the instinct to hold Alec and put him back together.

 

It's when Alec begins sliding towards the ground that Magnus realizes there's only one choice. He makes it to Alec before he hits the ground. One hand reaches around to cradle Alec while the other reaches for the wound on his chest.

 

“Magnus. Magnus, please.” Alec's tired voice draws his attention up. His eyes are glossy and half-lidded. He rests a hand on his cheek and tries to not let his emotions overwhelm him as Alec leans into the touch.

 

“Stay with me, Alexander. You're going to be okay just stay awake,” he says. He reaches for his magic so he can heal Alec, but nothing more than a few streams of blue come out from his outstretched hand. Magnus panics. There's nothing. His magic doesn't come and Alec is still bleeding. Alec is still dying. Magnus forgets it's a dream. It feels real and he can't make himself realize it's not. He's too scared.

 

“No, no, no, no. This can't happen, not now. Come on!” Magnus tries to find it but he can't. He looks at Alec and sees an acceptance in his tired eyes.

 

“Magnus, it's okay,” he says. His hand flutters helplessly in the air before Magnus captures it in his. He feels a weak squeeze and Alec smiles at him.

 

“It's okay.”

 

Magnus shakes his head. He can't do this right now, this isn't supposed to be happening. He takes the hand on Alec's cheek and presses it on the still bleeding wound on his chest. Alec grunts at the pressure, but Magnus only presses harder. He rests his forehead on Alec's and feels his breath on his face. As long as he's breathing he has a chance.

 

“Alexander, you're going to be okay. The others will be here soon and we'll fix you up, okay? Everything's going to be okay. It has to be,” Magnus whispers to him. He doesn't know if he's comforting Alec or himself more. Then, Alec surprises him. He kisses Magnus, it's soft and tender and utterly heartbreaking because he knows what it means. It's what they do when they're saying goodbye, only this time he doubts they'll see each at home again.

 

Alec leans back to look at his eyes and says, “I love you, Magnus, never forget that. I love you so much.”

 

“Don't do this.”

 

“So much.”

 

The breath in Magnus’ face shudders to a stop. The hand in his goes limp and Alec's eyes fall shut.

 

“No, Alec, no. Come on, stay awake, Alec. Don't do this, don't leave me, Alexander,” he cries as he tries desperately to wake him, but it's too late. Magnus cradles his body and he feels his magic again. It's cruel, he thinks, that now after Alec is gone his magic comes back.

 

In his mind all he hears is _he’s gone, he's gone, he's gone_ and it's enough to drive him insane. He screams, it's a purely heartbroken scream and Magnus breaks. He screams and screams and his magic seems to understand the loss and explodes out with a deadly force. He's losing control and he's crying and-

 

He's sitting upright in his bed and he hears a scream just like in his dream. His magic is going wild around him. _It was just a dream, it was just a dream,_ he thinks to himself. He manages to calm down but his magic remains wild just under his fingertips. He closes his eyes and breathes a sigh of relief. Then, his eyes snap open. _Alec._ His hand darts over to the other side of the bed. Alec isn't there.

 

Magnus panics and thinks _what if it wasn't a dream?_ He's jumping out of bed and calling for Alec before he even finishes the thought.

 

“Magnus, I'm down here,” a quiet voice says. It's Alec's voice but it's not his normal voice. Something's wrong. Magnus finds him sitting under the window. He starts towards him but stops when he notices how he's sitting. His left leg is stretched out in front of him, resting at an angle, and he's cradling his left arm. That's when Magnus finally comes back to reality.

 

The smell of burnt something is in the air and Magnus can only think _oh no_. His magic was out of control and he hurt Alec.

 

“Alexander, did I do that?” he asks. “Did I hurt you?”

 

Alec shifts on the ground in a way that seems like he wants to get up. “It's okay, Magnus, you didn't mean to.”

 

Magnus drops to the floor besides Alec letting loose a stream of _I'm sorry, I'm so sorry._ His hands hover over the burnt areas of Alec's skin, afraid to heal him, afraid he'll only hurt him again.

 

Alec reassures him with a quiet, “I trust you.”

 

Magnus breathes out and for a second he thinks about the dream and how his magic hadn't come. He ignores it and sure enough a soft blue light erupts from his hands and lays itself over Alec's injured body. He hears Alec sigh, a good sigh, and he knows he finally did something right tonight.

 

When he's done, Alec takes his hands and brings Magnus to his chest. “Talk to me,” he says, because he knows Magnus. He knows that he had a nightmare.

 

So Magnus tells him. Tells him about how Sebastian had stabbed him, how he couldn't heal Alec, how he watched him die, and how it broke him so much that his magic reacted even if it was just a dream. He apologises, for not saving him and then for hurting him. He keeps going until Alec tells him it's okay. The words sting a little after the dream but he knows they have a different meaning.

 

After everything, Magnus is exhausted. The nightmare, his loss of control, hurting and healing Alec, all of it has left him longing for bed. Alec must notice because he picks them up off the floor and drops them down in bed.

 

They lay close and Magnus let's his hand rest over Alec's heart. It brings comfort. Alec kisses his head and mumbles something he can't distinguish, but it makes him smile nonetheless. Magnus falls asleep, warm, safe, and comfortable. He dreams again, but this time, it's not in that dark alley. This time, it's good.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think or come visit me on [tumblr](http://artemiss.tumblr.com)


End file.
